Psychiatric Treatment Strongly Advised
by I-Dont-Like-I-Obsess
Summary: When Bartolomeo asks Hitomi and Summer to interview the Supernovas for his fan magazine, they weren't expecting this sort of delusional nonsense that tended to scar you for life. Why they agreed to help in the first place is beyond them, but they can't just let Barto-san down. Warnings: Crack fic, OOC-ness, and absolute randomness. Collab with 'AshGopal.'
1. Prologue

A/N- A few notes of worth:

This story was originally posted onto **AshGopal** 's profile, and is a collab both her and I worked on featuring out two OC's. Unfortunately, she took down her OC's origin story so you can read more about her, but just know that she's a badass MOFO. :P Seriously. But just for some background info, Hitomi is from the Naruto universe, Soma is from the One Piece universe. Soma is regarded as Hitomi's little brother.

Second, the chapters are formatted in a sort-of interview questionnaire, so they may look a little funky. That's intentional. But you know. If you don't like it, that's cool too. You don't have to read. :)

Third thing, THIS STORY IS A CRACK FIC AND IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY SENSE. OOC-NESS ALL UP IN THIS BITCH. This was just a fun little project both her and I worked on for the hell of it, and it was really fun to do, so I hope you do still enjoy the randomness. :)

I DO NOT OWN HITOMI OR SOMA. They are the creative property of the very lovely **AshGopal.** Go check out her stuff. :D

Onwards!

* * *

 _Summer and Hitomi sit peacefully at a local cafe, drinking lemonade and snacking on salads. Soma can be seen further down the main street, showing his guns to the older children of the town. The sun shines and a gentle breeze blows by, but both of the Supernova are too absorbed in each other's company to notice._

* * *

"So, you really are from another world, huh? That's insane! What's it like? How is it different from ours?" Summer asks, taking another bite of her food.

"Hn. In my world, there are not really any pirates. A majority of the population are ninjas, trained in the art of fighting through one's own power." She took a sip of the fresh lemonade the cafe was so known for, smacking her lips at the sweet taste.

"Is there a big government that rules the world?"

"No. The continent is separated into several countries, each allying themselves with an element of the natural world. Fire, Water, Wind, Earth and Lightning."

"Wow, that sounds pretty cool." Summer smirked, looking over to Soma who was helping a few teenage boys aim guns of their own. "What about Soma? He's from this world, right?"

"Yes. I have been his guardian ever since his previous one entrusted him to me before his death."

"Well, I bet he really enjoys having you around to protect him. He seems like a nice boy." She sighed wistfully, watching him interact with the other children. "Hopefully his childhood was a happy one."

" I am trying my hardest to make sure that it is. And you. I heard that you had escaped from the notorious prison 'Impel Down'. According to Soma, it is the most impenetrable stronghold in this world."

"Yeah, but it wasn't all me. Luffy broke into the prison trying to rescue his brother, and he made a huge chaotic mess that made me able to escape in the first place." She chuckled, remembering a previous event. "And it isn't as impenetrable as you may think. I mean, their damn elevator code is 1-2-3-4 for crying out loud."

Hitomi stared back in amusement. "My previous world wasn't much better to be honest. It seems that the most complicated things have the most mundane weak spots."

"I agree." Summer said, finishing the last of her salad. Further down the road, there was a large kickup of dust as something moved very fast in their general direction. Soma, noticing this abrupt disturbance, subtly removes himself from the group of children and strategically positions himself between the quickly approaching object and Summer and Hitomi.

"What the hell is that?" Summer asked, pointing towards whatever it was.

Soma glares at the object. "No idea, but somehow I feel that it's not gonna be good."

The object was nearing the cafe at this point, and underneath the movement the three could hear words being shouted.

"Hitomi-sempai! Summer-sempai!" A distinctly male voice called, and they saw a flash of green hair in the dust.

"Hn. Bartolomeo. It's been a while." Hitomi apathetically glanced at the gushing male.

"God, it was just you, Barto-san. You almost gave me a heart attack." Summer irritatedly huffed, placing a hand on her chest.

"Tch. Freaking chicken. What do you want with Big Sis and Summer-san?" Soma scowled.

Summer chuckled, waving a hand at the younger boy. "No worries, Soma. Bartolomeo is harmless. He just gets a little emotional." She turned to the sobbing form. "What did you need from us?"

Bartholomeo emotionally sputtered some nonsense.

Summer nodded her head sagely. "Ah. I see."

Hitomi stoically regarded him. "Alright. We'll do it. But only just this once."

Soma turned towards them, dumbfounded. "What the hell? You understood him?" The two nodded, and Soma shook his head in confusion. Behind him, the still-sobbing Bartolomeo rushed off to wherever he came from, still sputtering nonsense. Soma pouted.

"Well, what does he want?" He crossed his arms across his chest, looking between the two ladies.

Hitomi and Summer glanced at each other.

"He asked us to interview the Supernovas." Summer nodded.

"And we accepted." Hitomi gave him a little smile in reassurance.

Soma stared at them in disbelief, then facepalmed.

"This is going to be a very long week."


	2. Prehistoric Masked Scrub

**Interviewer 1** : Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Time and Date** : _10:38 A.M Friday, May 14_.

 **Location** : _Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub_

 **Interviewee** : **X Drake** ( _Operation: Prehistoric Masked Scrub_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Summer** : Right, so I guess we should start out with your name.

 **X Drake:** …

 **Inspector Summer** : Really? Not even a name? Wow, they were serious when they said you were stubborn…

 **X Drake** : * _Shakes head_ * My name is X Drake. I don't see the purpose to this interview or telling you such obvious information. You already know my name. * _Crosses arms_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Well, the fans at home have to know who we're talking to otherwise they'll get confused. Now, Barto-san took a poll around the world with questions that fans have for you, so we're gonna ask a few and you'll answer them. * _Question cards are put on table_ *

 **X Drake** : That sounds awfully like a threat.

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Looks surprised, and turns to look at Inspector Hitomi_ * …Um…no, it wasn't. But I can make one if that's what you're really asking. * _Cracks knuckles threateningly, smirking evilly_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …Why don't we get started on the questions?

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Grumbling_ * Fine…

* _X Drake smirks_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Why did you become a pirate?

 **X Drake:** I wanted to see what the other side was like. Being a Marine was great and all, but piracy has something that the righteous path lacks.

 **Inspector Summer** : Do you ever have regrets of changing sides?

 **X Drake** : No.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Next question. How did you get that scar on your chin?

 **X Drake** : * _Turns head away_ * I'd rather not say.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Loud sigh_ * Look, the whole point of participating in an interview is to tell the fans what they wanna know. * _Rubs forehead in exasperation_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Glances at Inspector Summer_ * We'll come back to that question later. * _Shuffles cards_ * One fan would like to know where you got your pointy hat.

 **X Drake** : …I don't see why that's relevant.

 **Inspector Summer** : Just answer the damn question.

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : * _Glares at Inspector Summer_ * I stole it from a homeless man.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ * …

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : What the fuck?

 **X Drake** : * _Realizes what he said_ *

 **X Drake** : * _Small blush appears, appears flustered_ * No, no, it's not what you think! He stole it from a hat shop, so I stole it back! I took it back to the shop and they said I could have it.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Clears throat awkwardly_ * Moving on.

 **Inspector Summer** : Give me those. * _Takes cards from Inspector Hitomi_ * Now, Lilly from Alabasta wants to know…will you marry her? …What the hell? Why would she wanna marry someone who steals from homeless people?

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : No.

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : Who is that?

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Ignores question_ * That's what I thought. Next Question. How did you gain a large bounty in a short amount of time? And how'd you become a Supernova?

 **X Drake** : * _Smirks_ * When you know which people to attack to create the most chaos, it's a pretty simple task.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Looks at Inspector Hitomi_ * Hmm. That's actually pretty clever.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn.

 **Inspector Summer** : Okay, so tell me. * _Leans forward, eyes narrowed_ * How did you get your super awesome Devil Fruit? I mean a T-Rex? Damn, that's epic.

 **X Drake** : … I stole it from a beggar.

 **Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi** : * _Look disgusted, share a glance_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Shame on you.

 **Inspector Summer:** You're going to hell. You should be ashamed.

 **X Drake** : * _Mortified_ *

 **X Drake** : NO

 **X Drake** : IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

 **X Drake** : _*Takes deep breath*_

 **X Drake** : There were many dangerous people after the fruit, and the poor man had no way in defending himself. I took it so that he wouldn't be targeted. That's why. I swear I'm not a bad person. * _Looks pleadingly_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Speechless_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Speechless_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** He could have just eaten the fruit.

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : …

 **X Drake** : Alright, fine, I'll tell you how I got my scar! Just stop looking at me like that! * _Deep breath_ * A homeless woman gave it to me when I was a kid when I went too close to her baby.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Leans forward*_ Sir. May I refer you to someone? They would really help you in getting over your… little problem… with homeless people. It makes it worse since you're a Supernova...

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Scrawls down psychiatrist's address on paper and hands it to X Drake_ * * _Gives sympathetic smile_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Okay, we're done here. * _Turns back and shouts_ * Hey Bart! We're done! Take this sonnava bitch away.

 _*Bartholomeo enters and leaves with X Drake, tears streaming down his face every time he looks at the inspectors* *Inspectors ignore him*_

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Turns to Inspector Hitomi_ * Damn, Hitomi. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. * _Rolls shoulders_ _and cracks neck_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Contemplatively staring at door_ * Hn. Indeed.

 **Inspector Summer:** How many more we got?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Looks at notepad_ * Ten.

 **Inspector Summer** : Shit.

 **Inspector Hitom** i: Indeed.

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with homeless people. When engaged, becomes defensive and responds violently to accusation. Possible causes include childhood trauma or other negative events. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	3. Peewee Pseudo Godfather

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 12:33 P.M. Friday, May 14.

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub.

 **Interviewee:** **Capone Bege** ( _Operation: Peewee Pseudo Godfather_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Nudges shoulder*_ Hey, Hitomi. It's the Mafia man next, right?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Hn.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Evil grin*_ We should talk like him, to, you know, make him feel more comfortable around us.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Fine.

 **Inspector Summe** r: _*Sharkish grin, rubs hands together*_ Well now, let's get down to business. I hope he's better than homeless freak dino.

 **Inspector Hitom** i: Hn.

 **Inspector Summe** r: You have to join in too. We're partners, remember?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : _*Looks away*_ Hn. Fine.

 **Inspector Summer** : Hey, Barto-san! Bring him in!

 _*Capone Bege enters with Bartolomeo*_

* _Capone Bege takes a seat_ *

 **Capone Bege** : Whaddya doin, ya freak? I'm parfectly capable of sittin' on my own! _*Glares at Bartolomeo*_ Get outta here!

 _*Bartolomeo exits room, tears streaming in awe*_

 **Inspector Summer** : Sir, I'm gonna hafta ask ya ta give a lil' respect fer our apprendise, na' mean? _*Gestures everywhere with hands*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Yeah. Shut yer trap. * _Looks uncomfortably at Inspector Summer_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Looks encouragingly back, gives thumbs up_ *

 **Capone Bege:** *Scowls* Ya think dis is funny? You tryin' ta make funna me?

 **Inspector Summer:** Wid all due respect, Sir, we would jus' like ya ta answer owa questions. You see, ma G and I are simply here on bidniss.

 **Capone Bege:** * _Muttering_ * Bitches be trippin'...

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Jus' answer the questions, tubby **.** This be real talk. * _Strains_ *

 **Capone Bege: *** _Glares*_ Fine, you psychotic broads. Whaddya want?

 **Inspector Summer** : How'd ya get yer Devil Fruit, Mista'?

 **Capone Bege:** _*Gestures with hands*_ When you powerful, you have connections. I be de Godfada. I own dis town. Ain't nothing that can stop me.

 **Capone Bege** : *Scowls* The stupid democrats tink dat dey can hold me down. Well, dey be wrong. I got guns. My connection's got guns. Even my connection's son's dog got guns. Ain't no restriction on me an' my family. God bless the Second Amendment. Amen.

 **Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi** : * _Shares uncomfortable glance_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Um...you got some...mad ice, dawg. _*Grimaces*_

 **Capone Bege:** * _Stares_ * ...Dese broads be ratchet. _*Shakes head, lights cigar*_

 **Inspector Hitomi** : ...Right... _*Flips through question cards*_ One person asks...does it feel odd...to have all those...little men...inside of you? _*Looks uncomfortable*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Snickers beneath hand*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Glares at her*_

 **Capone Bege** : Honey, I be de Godfada. Ain't nothin' that uncomf'table to me. My body is my family's body.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Sputters, desperately trying not to laugh_ * You're a lil'… _close_ to yer family dere, aren't ya?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Trying not to smile_ * * _Warning tone_ * Inspector.

 **Inspector Summer:** Yeah, yeah, movin' on. _*Glances at next card*_ Wha kinda whip you be sailin'? _*Leans back, arms crossed*_

 **Capone Bege:** _*Grins, puffs out cigar smoke*_ Listen here, blondie. I be da Godfada, 'member? I sail on da finest of ships dat guap can buy. Gold-plated portholes, railings lined with mother o' pearl, a steering wheel imported from Italy and encrusted with diamonds. Best of all, every side lined with a row of guns and cannons.

 **Capone Bege:** It brings me great joy sailin' up and down the coast, showin' off ma guns to all the democrats who tink dey can take dem away from me. Dey find out quick that as da Godfada, I ain't no one to be messed with. Capiche? The Second Amendment is on my side. I got da govenment as ma ally, so all those idiots can suck it.

 **Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer:** ...

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Blinks, whispers to Hitomi*_ Wouldn't...gold-plated portholes...defeat the purpose of having a porthole?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Shrugs*_

 **Capone Bege:** Any udda questions for me, ladies?

 **Inspector Summer:** … What is your level of education?

 **Capone Bege:** Well, I'm homeschooled, ya see. I dunno any of dose stupid things, like calculus or geology. I know all de important stuff, like gun laws and de Second Amendment. I could even recite it ta ya if ya want.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Blankly stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Ah, no thanks. We be fine, brotha. * _Whispers to Inspector Hitomi_ * Are there any more questions? Please say no…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** There's one more.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sweatdrops*_ Hopefully it doesn't involve guns or the Second Amendment… _*Nervously looks at Inspector Hitomi*_ What does it say?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : If he'd like to be a part of an Island's new Government. Something about… being an expert on gun laws… _*Squints at card*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Deadpans*_ Hell no. We're not gonna ask him that. _*Takes card away and rips it into pieces*_

 **Inspector Summer** : * _To Capone Bege_ * We're dun here, Sir. A pleasure.

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Turns to door*_ Bart! We're done! Get him outta here!

* _Bartolomeo enters with streaming tears and leads Capone Bege outside*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Hn. How… interesting.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Grimaces*_ If I hear the phrase 'Second Amendment' one more time, I may just kill myself...

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn. * _Tiny smirk_ , _looks at the scraps of the torn note card_ * What shall we tell the country who requested him as a member of their Parliament? They're expecting an answer.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Sighs_ * Fuhgeddaboudit.

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with guns and the Second Amendment. Interactions are difficult, as subject continually brings topic back to the above two items. Becomes defensive when asked simple questions. Possible multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	4. Angel From Hell

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Time and Date:** 8:51 P.M Saturday, May 15.

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Urouge** ( _Operation: Angel From Hell_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Looks at notebook*_ It appears our next interview is with the Fallen Monk-

 **Inspector Summer:** That big guy with wings!? _*Face full of excitement*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Irked*_ ...Hn. Sit down.

 **Inspector Summer:** Alright! _*Fist pumps air*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Loud sigh*_ Barto-san.

 _*Bartolomeo brings in giant man, who struggles to get through doorway*_

 **Urouge:** Your doors are too small for my large frame! Hahaha! _*Face continuously smiling*_ _*Sits in chair...somehow*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Urouge, we are very glad to have you here. * _Tiny smile_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Your wings are super cool! _*Eyes full of stars*_

 **Urouge:** It's my pleasure, small ones!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Several fans have wanted to know what your hobbies were outside of being a pirate.

 **Urouge:** Have you seen the many kinds of dirt this island has? It's quite marvelous! I've never seen such a variety in one place before!

 **Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer:** _*Speechless*_

 **Urouge:** The mix of peaty and saline soil is very unusual! I'd never expect such a tropical climate to have them both. _*Reaches for pouch at belt*_ I've bottled up several samples from each one. _*Shows bottles of dirt*_

 **Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi:** _*Deadpans*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Your hobby is…

 **Inspector Summer:** ...Collecting...dirt?

 **Urouge:** Hahahaha! Skypiea island is made up of clouds, so it came as a surprise to me to see the island rife with soil. _*Looks to bottles*_ Aren't they fascinating?

 **Inspecting Hitomi:** _*Clears throat*_ Of course…

 **Inspector Summer:** ...Anyways, the next question comes from Peter in Loguetown. He wants to know if he can get your autograph.

 **Urouge:** Did you know that loamy soil is the best type for growing crops with its high calcium level? It's pH level is 6!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** ...I'll assume that's a no. _*Draws next card, stares at it, then draws another card*_ Let's skip that card…

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Steals card from Inspector Hitomi*_ Let me see. * _Reads card, smirks*_ Not gutsy enough to ask?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** Fine. Urouge, when's the last time you got laid?

 **Urouge:** My favorite kind is that of silt. It's soft to the touch, but carries little nutrients. Many get confused by it's fluffy texture and dark appearance to be rich with nutrients needed for gardening. That is why their plants do not grow!

 **Inspector Summer:** ...Right. We'll say...a _very_ long time…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Shakes head in exasperation*_ Your Devil Fruit. How did you get it?

 **Urouge:** Hahahaha! Another blessing of the dirt. I found it on a rainy island. It was covered in mud, so nobody looked at it twice. Naturally, I picked it up and ate it. I was quite disappointed that it wasn't a large Mud-Ball, as I had originally assumed, but it all worked out in the end. Hahahaha! ( _Large grin_ )

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : Back up. You ate it because you thought it was a _Mud-Ball?_ You eat mud?

 **Urouge** : Of course. Where else am I supposed to get my dose of Calcium Carbonate? I didn't get this big from just eating fruits and vegetables, you know.

 **Urouge:** * _Examines Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi*_ You two are quite tiny. You should consider ingesting some of Mother Earth as well. * _Holds out a vial of dirt*_

Here is a special mixture. It is a culmination of decomposed Den-Den Mushi and Sea King urine. Highly nutritious.

* _Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer stare as he opens the bottle and downs the contents*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer** : Well, we're done here. BART. TAKE HIM OUT. NOW.

* _A weeping Bartolomeo leads Urouge out. Urouge again gets stuck in the doorframe, but is released with a shove from the Inspectors_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares at Hitomi wide-eyed_ * ...Damn. I did not see that one coming.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn. * _Looks at watch*_ It's late. Want to go and eat?

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Rises from seat and grimaces_ * Sure. Just nothing organic. I don't wanna put any dirt-related shit in my mouth. Hey, didn't Barto-san promise to pay for our dinner? I say we take him up on the offer.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Gags slightly at the thought of what had previously transpired_ * Agreed.

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with soil. A supposed 'new earth' promoter. Nature seems to have a strong effect on his mental perception. Possibly a Communist. Compares almost anything to soil of other islands. Possible causes include lack of stimulus in childhood or a diagnosis of OCD. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	5. Angry Metal Ginger

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 11:04 A.M. Sunday, May 16.

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Eustass Kid** ( _Operation: Angry Metal Ginger_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Frowns at notebook_ * It seems our next person is-

* _Kid bursts through the door, a sobbing Bartolomeo behind him_ *

 **Kid** : Is this where the interview is? * _Face red and angry, heavy scowl_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summe** r: * _Share a glance_ * …

 **Inspector Summer** : Uh...yeah…* _Gestures to chair_ * Take a seat.

* _Kid sits and leans forward on the table, scooting chair closer_ *

 **Kid** : Alright, listen. I gotta know one thing before we start.

 **Inspector Hitom** i: ...And that is…?

 **Kid** : _*Glances around suspiciously*_ Do either of you have...the clap?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : _*Speechless*_

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Speechless*_

 **Kid** : ...You know, gonorrhea? It's a pretty common bacterial-

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Holds up hand*_ Yes. We know what it is. Please stop.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Scoots chair away inconspicuously_ * ...Why do you ask?

 **Kid** : STD's are a pretty common thing, I just gotta be sure neither of you are carriers. Anyways, let's get started with the questions. * _Leans back in chair_ *

 **Inspector Summe** r: * _Holds cards silently, staring uncomfortably at Kid_ * Ok...Uh...Penny from Oklahoma...is that even a real place? * _Squints at card_ * Whatever, Penny from wherever she's from wants to know if you really steal souls.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Glances between Kid and Inspector Summer, whispering to her_ * I don't understand…

 **Inspector Summer:** Ah, right. You're not from around here. * _Whispers back_ * Gingers supposedly steal souls.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Confusion clears_ * Ah. I understand.

 **Kid:** That's just a stupid myth. But you know what's totally real?

 **Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer:** * _Shake heads_ * What?

 **Kid:** Pubic lice. _*Looks rather proud of himself, horrifies both Inspectors*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Hides behind cards*_ For the love of God, please don't-

 **Kid:** Hey, wanna hear a joke?

 **Inspector Summer:** NO

 **Kid:** * _Ignores_ * Yesterday I was at the bar trying to pick up some chicks. I saw this really smokin' hot brunette sitting at the counter. I walked up to her and asked her what her favorite food in the bedroom was. She smirked and said Crepes. I just laughed and said that I was glad that it wasn't Crabs. _*Cackles madly*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … * _Blank stare_ *

 **Kid:** Hey, I knew this girl named 'Syphilis' once. Her parents thought that it was a pretty name. Dumb fucks. _*Sniggers*_ Needless to say nobody went close to her.

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Petrified_ * I think I need to sanitize my hands...or my whole body… _*Shudders*_

 **Kid:** One of my crewmates once looked at a ho and said, "Damn. That chick has some hip titties." I was like, "Bro, it's _Hepatitis_."

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Horrified silence*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Watches almost fascinated, as if watching a train wreck in motion_ *

 **Kid:** A doctor once told me that the worst disease starting with the letter 'C' is Cholera. I disagree. It's definitely Chlamydia. _*Nods head sagely_ * We're talking about personal experience, here. First person recounting. Cholera is like a puppy compared to the rabid wolf that's known as Chlamydia. That shit itches, bro. And don't even get me started on genital warts...

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Slams hand on table*_ ENOUGH.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Nods head eagerly in agreement*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Points in Kid's face*_ We are going to ask you these damn questions and you are going to answer them without even a _mention_ of any sort of STD or disease of any kind! Do you understand me?! _*Heavy breathing*_

 **Kid** : Hey, you're the ones doing the interview, not me. I don't know why you guys were getting me so distracted in the first place. * _Holds up hands in innocent gesture*_

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Fist clenches, vein in jaw popping, eyes twitching_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Grabs Inspector Summer's shoulder to restrain her_.*

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Muttering*_ I'm gonna kill him, I swear.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Tugging on shoulder*_ We promised Barto-san we would interview them all for his magazine. We haven't gotten any answers yet.

 **Inspector Summer:** *Grumbles* Fine. But afterwards, he's fair game…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Whatever. _*Turns to Kid*_ How did you feel after eating your Devil Fruit?

 **Kid:** Shit, bro. I thought I was a goner.

 **Inspector Summer:** Really?

 **Kid:** Yeah. All the symptoms matched. I thought that I had contracted AIDS. And it didn't help that I slammed a pretty nasty whore the day before. I was all sweaty and feverish. It was like I was sick and eternally horny at the same time.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Covers ears*_ Please tell me there's no more questions...I can't take anymore.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Gives Inspector Summer a sympathetic glance*_ So tell me, what are your hobbies? Do you have a journal of some kind? A travel log?

 **Kid:** _*Reaches in pocket*_ Well, I've got this handy pocket encyclopedia that has all the known STD's. I carry it with me all the time. It's been really helpful. Look, it even has pictures! * _Tries to show Inspectors, Summer forcefully shoves it away before any pictures are seen_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Thunderstruck_ * ...And we're done here. Barto-san, please escort this… gentleman out.

 _*Bartolomeo comes in sobbing in awe, pushing Kid out of the room*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Shudders*_ I already took a shower this morning, but now I need another one...maybe twenty…

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Shall I schedule an appointment with our Gynecologists?

 **Inspector Summer:** Yes. Please tell her it's an emergency.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Understood.

* _Inspector Hitomi makes a call while Inspector Summer sits in a corner sobbing pitifully_ *

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with STDs. Remains fascinated with disturbing images and facts about diseases. Has assumably contracted more than one. Possible causes include unprotected sex with unfamiliar partners, bestiality, incest, or blood to blood contact with infected persons. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	6. Voodoo Witch Doctor

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 2:29 P.M. Sunday, May 16.

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Basil Hawkins** (Operation: Voodoo Witch Doctor)

* * *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Sighs_ * So. Who's next?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Looks down at noteboard_ * Basil Hawkins. 'The Mage'

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Grimaces_ * 'The Mage'? We gotta deal with some Voodoo-ass crap? Shit. And I was hoping for an actual normal interview. Guess that's out.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Elbows Inspector Summer_ * Hush. Don't be rude. I've heard that he's a nice man… albeit a little odd.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Grumbles_ * Yeah. Everyone we've seen is 'nice, if a little odd'. And look where that's taken us.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Glares_ * Whatever. Behave yourself. * _Raises voice_ * Barto-san? We're ready.

* _Bartholomeo enters with Basil Hawkins, all the while weeping heavily_ *

* _Basil Hawkins gracefully sits_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Soooo… welcome! * _Smiles warmly_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares blankly back_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares expectantly_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares, frowning_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins:** * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : YOU PISS ME OFF, MOTHERFU-

* _Inspector Hitomi clasps a hand over Inspector Summer's mouth, futilely trying to calm her_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Surprisingly composed_ * So, Basil Hawkins. Do you have any interests?

 **Basil Hawkins:** * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : …

 **Basil Hawkins** : Q.

 **Inspector Summer** : EHHH? Q? What the flip flap snick snack does that mean?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** I agree. It is very beautiful.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Turns towards Inspector Hitomi_ * What? What's beautiful?

 **Basil Hawkins** : Quite. Her curves quell any qualms that I may possess.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Indeed. She is very delicate and sophisticated.

 **Inspector Summer** : What's sophisticated? Hey, Hitomi! What the hell are you talking about?

 **Basil Hawkins** : Her queerness makes me quiver in questioning query.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares confusedly at Basil Hawkins*_ What kind of shit are you on? What the hell is going on here? Hello?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Knowingly_ * Her voice is quite alluring as well.

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Nods head in agreement*_ She is my quiet queen, and I will not quit with my quest to quench her quirky qualms.

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : Hitomi, what is this guy trippin' on? He's speaking like a damn medieval princess! *Rubs forehead* Enlighten me. How do you know this chick he's talking about?

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : ... I'm sorry?

 **Inspector Summer** : "* _Exasperated sigh_ * The chick, THE. CHICK. The one you two were rambling about for ten minutes? That one? * _Waves arms sarcastically_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Looks blankly_ * Huh?

 **Inspector Summer** : *Roars in frustration* THE GIRL, HITOMI. THE FRICKEN GIRL. WHO THE HELL IS SHE?

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : … What girl?

* _Inspector Summer gives an animalistic roar and proceeds to go on a rampage. Lasts for approximately 8 minutes.*_

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Breathing heavily from meltdown_ * Ok. So who is this… 'cue'?

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ *

 **Basil Hawkins:** * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : *Eye twitches* IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY I SWEAR-

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Calm down, Summer. 'Cue's not a girl.

 **Inspector Summer:** …

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares at Basil Hawkins*_ …

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : … Don't tell me… are you... gay?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Sharply_ * Inspector.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Defensively_ * What? It's not like I'm the first person asking! I mean, half of our questions for him are the same fricken question! * _Waves note cards around wildly_ *

 **Basil Hawkins** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Turns to Inspector Hitomi_ * Is he…?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Sighs deeply_ * No, Summer. It's 'Q'. The letter 'Q'. After 'P', before 'R'. ' _Q_ '.

 **Inspector Summer** : Huh?

* _Inspector Summer thinks deeply, and after a while, understanding dawns in her eyes_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : You mean-

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Yup.

 **Inspector Summer** : So all this time-

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Yeah.

 **Inspector Summer** : You're not seriously saying that-

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Mm-hmm.

 **Inspector Summer** : … Well shit. * _Turns towards Basil Hawkins and gives him a strained smile_ * That's all for today. Thank you for your time, Basil Hawkins. It was ...pleasant talking to you.

 **Basil Hawkins** : *Stares*

 **Inspector Summer** : BARTHOLOMEO

* _Bartholomeo rushes in and tearily leads Basil Hawkins out the door_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Well that went well. Only one question answered. Hurray.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Turns towards Inspector Hitomi_ * Hey. Is it weird for a fully grown man to be in love with a letter of the alphabet?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : … He's not in love with it, just… infatuated.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stares_ * Sure. Whatever you say. * _Leans back and stretches_ * I'm not surprised by anything anymore.

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with the letter 'Q'. Speaks primarily using words that begin with the same letter. Shows signs of extreme introvertedness. Possible causes include deficiency of education as a child or a diagnosis or erotomania. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	7. What The Hell Is Up With Her Metabolism?

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 5:32 P.M. Sunday, May 16

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Jewelry Bonney** ( _Operation: What The Hell Is Up With Her Metabolism?_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** We might catch a break with the next one.

 **Inspector Summer** : Really? Which one is it?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Jewelry Bonney.

 **Inspector Summer** : The chick? * _Sighs in relief_ * Thank god. She must have a semblance of sanity.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : _*Reads report_ * * _Reluctant look_ * On second thought… I don't know about that.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Questioningly looks at Inspector Hitomi_ * Pffftt. It's one of our own kind. How bad can it be?

 **Inspector Hitomi: *** _Still reluctant_ * We'll see. * _Raises voice_ * Barto-san, please come in.

* _Bartholomeo comes in sobbing with Jewelry Bonney*_

 _*Jewelry Bonney heavily sits*_

 _*Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi stare*_

 **Inspector Summer** : Um… Is that… a burger?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Glances up, mouth filled* *Muffled_ * Yeah.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : … But it has… * _Pauses a moment to count_ *... 27 layers.

 **Jewelry Bonney:** * _Chews_ * Yeah. So?

* _Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer stare_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Turns to Inspector Hitomi* *Whispers_ * You were right. We have another nutjob on our hands. And what the hell is up with her metabolism? How can she even look this good after eating _that_?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Just don't question it. I've learned not to. * _Turns to Jewelry Bonney_ * Hello. We'd like to ask you a few questions today.

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Hurry up. This burger won't last much longer, you know. I gotta go and get more food.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Stares disbelievingly, then quickly composes herself_ * Hn. * _Shuffles through note cards_ * What is your favorite power of your Devil Fruit?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Turning people into kids. * _Chews_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Oh? And why is that?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Because they're more attractive that way. * _Chews_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : ...More attractive?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Yeah. * _Chews_ *

* _Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi speechlessly stare_ *

 **Jewelry Bonney:** * _Turns to Inspector Hitomi_ * Hey you. Brownie.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : I saw that you had that kid with you. You know, the one with the cap and amber eyes?

 **Inspector Summer** : Who, Soma?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Rolls eyes_ * Yeah, him. Can I have him? He's pretty cute.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** No.

 **Jewelry Bonney:** Tsk. * _Takes a giant bite out of her burger* *Muffled_ * Shame. He was a real looker, too.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Blank stare_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Clears throat_ * So, Jewelry Bonney. Which was your favorite island?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : That's pretty hard. It's a tie. * _Chews_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Between?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Whole Cake island and Amurined Island.

 **Inspector Summer:** I can understand Whole Cake Island * _Glances at half-eaten burger, sneakily tries to take it away*_ , but why Amurined Island?

 **Jewelry Bonney:** _*Glares at Inspector Summer*_ 'Cuz it has the largest orphanage on the Grand Line, that's why. All those kids are extremely attractive. * _Nose begins to bleed_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Stares_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Oh my god, are you ok? Here. * _Hands over a tissue_ *

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Takes it and wipes nose_ * Sorry. That happens a lot. I get excited when I think about kids. * _Nose begins to bleed again_ *

* _Wordlessly, Inspector Hitomi hands over another tissue_ *

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Sniffs and wipes blood_ * Thanks. Whoo, thinking about all those kids just gets me all tingly. * _Takes bite out of burger_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** … Wow. Ok, then. Um…* _Fumbles with note cards_ * … What are your plans for the future?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Chews_ * * _Muffled_ * You know, the norm. Get a higher bounty. Become the Pirate Queen. * _Takes huge bite out of burger_ *

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Chews_ * * _Shrugs_ * Find a great guy. Have kids. * _Blood heavily spurts out of nose_ *

* _Jewelry Bonney pulls own tissue out of pocket and wipes nose_ *

 **Jewelry Bonney** : Yeah. Definitely have kids. * _Dreamy smile*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** ...Uh…

 **Jewelry Bonney:** _*Glances between inspectors*_ Hey, do you two have kids?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : No.

 **Inspector Summer** : No way, why?

 **Jewelry Bonney** : _*Looks disappointed*_ Aww, too bad. I'm sure they would have been pretty cute. _*Blood drips from nose...again*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … Thank you for your time. We are finished. _*Raises voice*_ Barto-san. We're done. Please escort Ms. Jewelry Bonney out.

 _*Bartolomeo enters, weeping heavily. Inspector Hitomi gestures him over*_

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Lowers voice*_ When you're leading her out, make sure that she stays away from Soma, alright? Far away.

 _*Bartolomeo's sobs increase and he shouts out an incomprehensible affirmation.*_

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Strained smile*_ Thanks for coming, Bonney.

 **Jewelry Bonney:** * _Finishes burger* *Muffled_ * No problem. It was worth it seeing that kid. Will I be able to talk to him outside?

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Hitomi** : ...

 **Inspector Hitomi** : No.

 **Jewelry Bonney** : * _Sighs in disappointment_ * Pity. He was cute.

* _Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi stare in disbelief as Bartolomeo leads Jewelry Bonney outside_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Concerned glance_ * She doesn't...have any kids in her crew, right?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Shakes head*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sigh of relief*_ Thank God, otherwise I'd seriously consider calling Child Protective Services…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Stands up*_ Please excuse me. I have to check on Soma.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Stretches arms_ * Roger that. I'm gonna call that little cafe down the street to order us dinner. Do you want the pizza again?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Short nod_ * Hn. And a pasta-bowl for Soma. Get something for Bart, too.

 **Inspector Summer** : Alright. Just no burgers. I swear, if I see another one anytime soon, I'm gonna hurl.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Looks queasy_ * Hn.

* _Inspector Hitomi leaves the room and Inspector Summer takes out phone_ *

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** : _Subject has an unusual obsession with children. Displays open signs of pedophilia. Also exhibits seemingly random nosebleeds when in the vicinity or mention of children. Possible causes include a sexually abusive household in childhood or interaction with other pedophiles. Possible porn addict. Psychiatric help strongly recommended. Also needs a test to confirm the efficiency of her unnatural metabolism._


	8. The Legit Pied Piper

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 9:12 A.M. Monday, May 17.

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Scratchman Apoo** ( _Operation: The Legit Pied Piper_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Summer** : Soooo, _*Yawns sleepily*_ who's our first one of the day? * _Excitedly rocks side to side in chair*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Rolls eyes* *Looks at notepad*_ Scratchman Apoo.

 **Inspector Summer:** The musical guy? Hmmm. This should be interesting. _*Stretches arm, joints pop*_

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Indeed it should. _*Glances at Inspector Summer*_ Are you...wearing pajamas?

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Stares blankly*_ Yeah. You gotta problem? _*Crosses arms*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Shrugs_ * No.

 **Inspector Summer** : I have an idea. I've heard that this guy is a real nutjob, so let's just rush through the questions. I'll ask, and you record. In and out in five minutes. Alright with you?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn. * _Prepares notebook and pen_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Good. I hope this'll be a breeze. The less crazy we have to deal with, the better. * _Faces door_ * Hey, Barto-san! We're ready!

 _*Bartolomeo brings in Scratchman Apoo, sobbing hysterically*_

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Hello. It's me. I was wondering, if after all these years you'd like to meet. * _Sings_ * * _Grins_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Um...hi? _*Confused look*_ I don't think it's been years since the worst generation started…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** We'd like to ask you a few question for Barto-san's magazine. _*Shuffles question cards*_

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Why do we never get an answer, when we're knocking at the door, with a thousand million questions, about hate and death and war.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** ...Right. First question: Danny from Wano Country wants to know what your hometown is?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Sweet Home Alabama, where the skies are so blue. Sweet Home Alabama, Lord, I'm comin' home to you.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Whispers to Hitomi*_ Is Alabama even a real place?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Shrugs*_

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Yeah, That's the truth.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sighs*_ How would you describe your music?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** My flow so tight and the beats so sick, Chris Brown should get his ass kicked.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** …* _Mutters_ * Who's Chris Brown?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Mutters_ * No idea.

 **Scratchman Apoo:** _*Narrows eyes*_ You're a hater and you tryna stop my flow. _*Gestures like a rapper*_

 **Inspector Summer:** ... Moving on now. _*Looks at question cards*_ What do think of Eustass Kid?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I knew you were trouble when you walked in, it's a shame on me now. * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Do you have anything you'd like to say to the Marines?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Sorry for party rockin'. * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Sniggers_ * Ain't that the truth?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** *Amused* Hn.

 **Inspector Summer:** Do you have a battle cry?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** It's going down, I'm yelling TIMBER. * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Blinks*_ What would you say about you fighting style?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger, I got the mooOooOooves like Jagger * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Do you still keep in contact with you family?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I'm at a payphone trying to call home, all of my change I spend on you * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** Do you gamble?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** P-P-P-Poker face, p-p-poker face * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** I take that as a yes. Too lazy to pry any further. * _Reads new notecard_ * What are your thoughts on the upcoming war? The final battle against Blackbeard and the Gorosei?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Let the sky fall, when it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all together at Skyfall. * _Sings_ *

* _Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi stare in amusement*_

 **Inspector Summer:** What would you say about your style?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I'm gonna pop some tags, only got 20 dollars in my pockets, I-I-I'm hunting, lookin' for a come up, this is fucking awesome * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Under breath_ * Sure looks like it.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Hides laugh with small cough*_

 **Inspector Summer:** … how would you describe the Supernovas?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I came in like a WRECKING BAAAALLLLL.* _Sings_ *

* _Inspectors look at each other and smile_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** How did you invite your crew mates to join you?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Won't you, follow me, INTO THE JUNGLE * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Deadpan stare_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Slightly giggles_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** How would you describe your Devil Fruit powers?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I got the magic on me, every time I touch that track it turns into gold, everybody knows I got the magic in me, when I hit the floor the girls come snapping at me, now everybody wants a blast of magic * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** How do you pick up girls?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe. * _Sings_ *

 **Inspector Summer:** What's your type?

 **Scratchman Apoo:** I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG * _Sings_ *

* _Inspectors sputter in laughter, desperately trying to collect themselves_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Hiding a smile_ * Would you look at that, we ran out of questions. _*Hides remaining cards under table*_

 **Inspector Summer:** Welp, that's the end of the interview, sorry! A pleasure meeting you hope we can do this again soon don't be a stranger now! BARTO-SAN!

 _*Bartolomeo comes in sobbing, making incohesive noises of appreciation* *Escorts Scratchman Apoo out, who continues to talk in lyrics*_

 _*Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer burst into laughter. Lasts approximately two minutes*_

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Sighs dramatically, leans back in chair*_ Oh, thank god he left. I couldn't take any more song lyrics.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Hn.

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Looks at Inspector Hitomi*_ What's up with you?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Cracks tiny smile*_ Still trying to get over 'I like big butts and I cannot lie.'

 **Inspector Summer:** Right? _*Grins*_ Or, 'I came in like a wrecking ball.' Priceless!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Chuckles*_ By the way, those pajamas look ridiculous.

 **Inspector Summer:** Shut up. Don't diss the flannel. Panda bear onesies are so retro. And cute. And I saw the cat one you had in your closet this morning. Don't deny it.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report:** _Subject has unusual obsession with fictional phrases and words. Speaks only in song lyrics. Does not seem to possess any vocabulary unique to himself. Possible schizophrenia. Psychiatric help strongly recommended._


	9. Rubbery Dumb Shit

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 12:20 P.M. Monday, May 17

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Monkey D. Luffy** ( _Operation: Rubbery Dumb Shit_ )

* * *

 **Inspector Summer** : _*Back pops*_ Alright, who's next?

* _Bartolomeo runs through door, sputtering nonsense with an unusually large amount of tears streaming from his eyes_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Barto-san, is everything alright?

* _Bartolomeo blabbers more indistinguishable nonsense_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : Ah, I believe he is trying to say that, quote: "Luffy-sempai is on his way here right at this moment."

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Nods*_ I see. If you can't handle the excitement you can step out for a moment, Barto-san.

* _Bartolomeo rushes out of the room to let Luffy-sempai inside_ *

* _Monkey D Luffy walks in and sits in chair_ *

 **Monkey D Luffy:** Hello! _*Grins widely*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Small smile_ * Hello. _*Flips note card*_ We're going to ask you a few questions, Luffy-san. First off, do you have any bad habits?

 **Monkey D Luffy:** * _Contemplates_ * … I don't think so… but my crewmates do!

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Smirks*_ Is that so?

 **Monkey D Luffy:** Yeah! Nami likes to do meth.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : …

 **Inspector Summer** : … What?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Meth. You know, with all those big numbers and stuff. Meth.

 **Inspector Summer:** …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … I think you mean _Math_ , Luffy.

 **Monkey D Luffy:** * _Starts to dig his nose_ * Yeah. That's what I said.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Deadpan stare_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … Anything else?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Uh-huh. Sanji always forces me to eat 'Shrooms. I hate them, but he says that they're good for me.

 **Inspector Summer** : … Mushrooms? He makes you eat mushrooms, right? Not 'Shrooms.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : * _Digging Nose* *Blank stare_ * Aren't they the same thing?

 **Inspector Summer** : No. They are not the same thing.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : * _Shrugs_ * Whatever. Oh, and Brook always inhales fumes. Even though he doesn't have a nose.

 **Inspector Summer** : … * _Leans forward_ * Please explain.

 **Monkey D Luffy:** See, he always likes to drink tea the first thing in the morning. He just sits and smells it, saying that it 'clears his sinus', or something.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : He inhales _vapor_. Not fumes.

 **Monkey D Luffy:** What's the difference?

 **Inspector Summer** : Luffy. There is a BIG difference. Yo-

* _Inspector Hitomi covers Inspector Summer's mouth_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Thank you, Luffy. Let's move on now. Inspector Summer? * _Gives a sharp look*_

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Glares back, but relents* *Shuffles note cards_ * Paula from Dressrosa wants to know how you felt when breaking into Ennis Lobby.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : That's easy! It's like one of those old fairy tales that Makino-san used to tell me.

 **Inspector Summer:** * _Smiles_ * A fairy tale, huh?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : * _Wide grin_ * Yeah! Me, Zoro, Chopper, Sanji, Nami and Sogeking were the Princes, and Robin was the Heroin!

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … Luffy, do you mean _heroine_?

 **Monkey D Luffy:** I just said that. * _Digs nose_ * Heroin.

 **Inspector Summer:** Luffy. Repeat after me. _Heroine_.

 **Monkey D Luffy:** * _Flicks some snot off finger_ * Heroin.

 **Inspector Summer** : No. _Heroine_.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Heroin.

* _Inspector Summer's veins bulge* *Inspector Hitomi lays a calming hand on shoulder_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Luffy, Richard from Water 7 wants to know if you'd had any bad experiences with Jungles.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Hmmmm… There was that time with that 'Three' guy. He almost killed my friends with his wax.

 **Inspector Summer:** Anything else?

 **Monkey D Luffy:** … Oh! There was that time we ran into the Cannabis.

 **Inspector Summer** : … Cannabis?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Yup! Cannabis. They ran after us, and they said that they wanted to eat us. * _Shudders_ * I love meat, but I don't want to be it.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Blank stare_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Leans close_ * Cannibals.

 **Inspector Summer** : Of course. Cannibals. Leave it to this idiot to confuse the two.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Ignores_ * Tori from the Zhou kingdom wants to know which your favorite water body is.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : The Viagra Falls.

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Chortles_ * Of course it is.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Trying not laugh_ * You mean Niagara.

 **Monkey D Luffy** : * _Shrugs_ * Same thing.

 **Inspector Summer** : Sure it is. * _Sniggers_ * Ok, it looks like we're done.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Do you have anything else to say, Luffy?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : * _Thinks_ * Hmmmm… That green-haired crest head?

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Do you mean Bartolomeo?

 **Monkey D Luffy** : Whatever his name is. Why is he calling my name and crying so hard? Is he on crack?

 **Inspector Summer** : * _Bursts out laughing_ *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** … Why?

 **Monkey D Luffy:** Usopp told me that when someone acts weird, they're probably on crack.

 **Inspector Hitomi** : * _Hides smile_ *

 **Inspector Summer** : ...Riiiggghhhttt. Well, I thinks that's all the questions we have for you so you're free to go.

 **Monkey D. Luffy** : Yosh! Now I can go try those candies that dirty-looking lady on the street corner gave me!

 **Inspector Summer** : …

 **Inspector Hitomi** : ...

 **Inspector Hitomi** : Barto-san!

 _*Bartolomeo bursts through door, weeping a great deal, shouting indecipherable nonsense, gesturing at Luffy wildly* *Bartolomeo pushes Luffy out the door*_

 **Inspector Summer:** Luffy is too gullible for his own good.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Nods*_ Usopp seems to be a bad influence on him.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sighs, leans back in chair*_ Well, hopefully Bartolomeo doesn't pass out or something. _*Looks to door with worried expression*_ He seemed to be a bit too excited for his own good.

 _*Inspectors hear something break in the next room, and lots of shouting* *Glances between each other*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** I'm sure they're fine.

 **Inspector Summer:** Yup. Just fine. Nothing to worry about.

~END OF SESSION~

 **Report** _: Subject has unusual obsession with drug-related topics. Repeatedly mentions drugs or other risky behavior in confusion with mundane objects. Is extremely susceptible to suggestion, mostly from his own crew. Most likely doing drugs himself, though it is currently unclear. Counselling and possible psychiatric treatment strongly advised._


	10. Anatomy-Obsessed Psycho

**Interviewer 1:** Inspector Summer

 **Interviewer 2:** Inspector Hitomi

 **Date and Time:** 3:18 P.M. Monday, May 17

 **Location:** Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

 **Interviewee: Trafalgar Law** ( _Operation: Anatomy Obsessed Psycho)_

* * *

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Shuffles notebook with a sigh*_ Well, all this leaves us with one more person.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Rubs forehead*_ It's that creepy doctor guy, right? _*Rolls eyes*_ Can't wait…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** You shouldn't assume things before they happen.

 **Inspector Summer:** Yeah, but look at every other interview we've had. I can't imagine one thing about this guy's gonna be normal.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Hn. We'll soon find out. Barto-san, send him in.

 _*A sobbing Bartolomeo opens the door, Trafalgar Law walks in and sits in the chair*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** So, Mr. Trafalgar...is that a tinfoil hat? _*Raises eyebrow, pointing to hat*_

 **Trafalgar Law:** It's for my own protection. _*Glances around*_ By the way...do you have any coffee?

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sees his visible shaking from over caffeination*_ Um...sorry we don't have any more...

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Sighs*_ Are there any cameras in this room? _*Leans forward into Inspectors' faces with hands on table*_ Or recording devices? They can hear you through any electronic device, you know! Always watching!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** …

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Eyes glance wildly around the room, finally settling on Inspectors*_ You don't have any protection! They'll probe your brain and gather information to destroy the human race! Luckily I brought some material along just in case.

 _*Trafalgar Law pulls out large wads of tin foil from pocket, makes two hats* *Places on the heads of the speechless Inspectors*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** ...The hell is-?

 **Trafalgar Law:** Sh! Don't say anything confidential or important. They can always hear you…The tinfoil protects from their wave frequencies tapping into the nerve impulses in your brain.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Who can hear us?

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Points to ceiling*_ The Borgs! The alien race living in the Andromeda galaxy! They've sent scouts to see if earth is a viable replacement for their collapsing planet!

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Clears throat*_ Umm...look dude. The fans just wanted to ask some questions and then you can go home. We're not gonna ask any...confidential information, and the aliens are not listening. We...lined the room with tinfoil so they can't hear us.

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Relaxes into chair*_ That's a relief.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Alright, now Elizabeth from Sabaody would like to know where you got your spotted hat.

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Fidgets with hands*_ Well, I'm not sure actually.

 **Inspector Summer:** Why aren't you sure?

 **Trafalgar Law** : I woke up with it on my head after being abducted by the Borgs.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Deadpans*_ …

 **Trafalgar Law:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** You have got to be shitting me. How in the fu-

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Kicks Inspector Summer from beneath the table*_ Next question.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Glares*_

 **Inspector Hitomi** : _*Ignores her*_ What are your hobbies?

 **Trafalgar Law:** Oh, I spend most of my time studying up on the latest of 'The Hidden Truth'.

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Like...the conspiracy theory magazine?

 **Trafalgar Law:** No, it's all true! _*Eyes go wide, giving him a crazy appearance*_ The second Marine admiral's assassination was all a cover-up! The World Government is the one behind it! And that story with the giant creature living in the mountains turning out to be an average goat? The locals are hiding a darker truth, but oh, I'm onto them!

 **Trafalgar Law:** * _Fidgeting intensifies*_ I find the secrets that the World Government wants to keep private and make them public to the world! That's why I have a submarine, so their aerial attacks are worthless against me! They'll never be able to surprise me!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** …

 **Inspector Summer:** …

 **Inspector Hitomi:** * _Clears throat uncomfortably_ * Moving on. How did you meet Bepo, your navigator?

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Looks around nervously*_ Did you hear that?

 **Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi:** _*Listens closely* *Shakes head*_

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Whispers*_ They're in the ceiling. _*Climbs beneath table and cowers*_

 **Inspector Summer:** Ah, hell naw. I am not putting up with this. _*Drags him back into seat*_

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Panics*_ No! What if they find me?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Rest assured, Mr. Trafalgar, we've had this room outfitted with the best in anti-Borg technology. You're safe here. _*Small assuring smile*_

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Gulps*_ Ok…

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Now, about Bepo?

 **Trafalgar Law:** Right… _*Takes deep breath*_ I rescued him from a Borg spacecraft. He was strapped to a table, and they were experimenting on him. That's why he can talk.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Deadpan face* *Whispers to Inspector Hitomi*_ If you expect me to believe him for one second-

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Whispers*_ Just be patient and understanding.

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Narrows eyes*_ What are you whispering about?

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Sarcastic*_ Oh, just how lovely the weather is.

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Eyes widen, points at Inspectors*_ You're one of them! * _Scrambles backwards, falling over in the chair_ * Get away from me!

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Sighs*_ Mr. Trafalgar, I think our interview is done. You may go now. Barto-san!

 _*Bartolomeo, still sobbing, comes in and tries to drag Trafalgar Law away*_

 **Trafalgar Law:** _*Struggles against Bartolomeo's grasp*_ They're Borgs! I know it, they're Borgs! Arrest them and interrogate them! They hold valuable information to the safety of our planet! _*Door shuts behind them*_

 **Inspector Summer:** See? I told you he'd be a nutcase. _*Takes off tinfoil hat*_

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Rubs bridge of nose, taking off hat*_ Hn. His yelling was getting rather bothersome.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Looks at notecards*_ What kind of questions did the fans even want to ask him?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** Hmm. One says, 'Have you identified what the largest hotspots of Borg activity are?' Strange.

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Squints*_ What equipment do you use to detect Borg radio-wave frequencies? Who the hell is asking that?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Face turns red*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Notices*_ You have a dirty card, don't you?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Nods, shows card to Summer*_

 **Inspector Summer:** _*Reads card*_ Will you...probe me...like the Borgs...did to you? Oh God! _*Covers face with hands*_ Who the hell would write that?

 **Inspector Hitomi:** _*Covers face as well*_ I feel the need to wash out my eyes and ears.

 **Inspector Summer:** I'll come with you.

 _*Inspectors leave room in search of a bathroom*_

 **~END REPORT~**

 **Report:** _Subject has unusual obsession with an alien race known as 'The Borgs.' Has unending paranoia and never feels safe. Believes far-fetched conspiracy theories. Possible addiction to coffee and other caffeinated beverages. Rapid mood swings and possible diagnosis of being Bipolar. Psychiatric help and possible internment into a mental institution strongly advised._


	11. Epilogue

On a sunny beach off the coast of a tropical summer island, Hitomi and Summer lay on beach towels, enjoying the feeling of the heat of the sun's rays against their skin. Seagulls cawed overhead, and the waves lapped against the shore. Other beach-goers made sandcastles and played in the water further on, but the two pirates went relatively undisturbed.

Soma was irritatedly running from some young, lovestruck girls vying for his attention. He was quite fast for one so young, but the females were obviously very determined. They could hear them crying out 'Soma-sempai!', 'Will you sign my bikini?' and 'Let me love you!''

Summer smirked at the sight. Lazily, she looked over to Hitomi. "Is he gonna be alright?"

Hitomi drowsily looked over to Summer. "Aa. It happens a lot more than you'd expect. He's surprisingly popular for a 12-year old."

"Hmm...some of those girls look like they could be in their 20's…" She shuddered, not wanting to think about that stuff any more. "Eh, he can handle himself."

Hitomi looked mildly disturbed. "Yes. I once had a woman who offered to buy him from me because she wanted to raise him to be her future concubine."

"Eheh...yeah, didn't want to know that…" She grimaced, picturing some pedophilic woman gesturing to the boy with crooked fingers. The image was scarring to say the least. Shaking her head, she sighed.

"Let's just focus on relaxing. I don't want to think about anything bothersome. All we need is some nice us-time." She sunk further into her towel, feeling the sun's heat slowly tanning her pale skin.

"Agreed. Hey, Summer, would you mind putting some sunscreen on my back?"

"No problem." She reached for the bottle and faced Hitomi. Opening the bottle, she poured some onto her hands, rubbing it between her fingers to warm the cold liquid, and began applying it to her back. She gave a pleased sigh, closing her eyes.

Unknown to them, all the males in a mile radius just stopped whatever they were doing and began to stare. They were only prompted away by the threatening sound of Soma firing his bullets.

"Hey shitheads! Keep your perving eyes away from Big Sis and Summer!" He shouted, waving his weapon around menacingly. The girls who had been chasing him stopped to admire his 'courage and manly disposition.' So they called it.

"Kyaaaaa! Soma-kun!"

"Oh Em Gee! He is so cute!"

"I'll bear your babies!"

"Our children will be both smart and beautiful!"

The males who had been staring at the two women, who weren't as enthused about Soma's outburst, went ghostly pale at the young man's words. They turned and ran the opposite direction, screaming about how terrifying the small boy was.

Huffing in irritation, Soma jogged towards the two women. When he finally reached them, he gave each of them a scowl.

"Jeez, how many times do I have to tell you two, you've gotta watch out. Men are predators waiting to pounce on prey like you too. Really, I have no idea what would happen to you two if I wasn't here."

Summer smiled. "We'd probably be hunkered down with a couple of no-good husbands and treated like housewives. You're the only thing keeping us from the tortures of being stay-at-home mothers." She joked.

Hitomi smirked. "Soma, you know that we both can handle ourselves. It's just that men are such excitable creatures. It's amusing. Here, watch this." Hitomi turned to Summer and leaned close to her ear to whisper something, giving a clear view of her bikini top to the onlooking men.

Collectively, all the men surrounding the trio sucked in a breath. Summer and Hitomi sniggered. "Losers."

Suddenly, a cloud of sand kicked up at the top of the beach, heading towards the two. The three looked towards the chaos, watching as a certain green-haired Supernova fan came barrelling down the beach in a flurry of arms and legs, tears streaming down his face.

Soma tensed unconsciously, but the ladies only chuckled. He slowed once he approached, eyes sparkling with gratitude.

"Hitomi-sempai, Summer-sempai, thank you so much for helping me!" Bartolomeo dropped to the ground and bowed, face basically shoved into the sand.

Soma sniggered. "He looks like an ostrich."

Hitomi gave him a look. "Don't be rude."

"It was no problem, Barto-san." Summer said, then cringed a little at the memory. "Only, next time, try not to have us interview such creepy and strange people. I think I'm scarred for life after some of those experiences."

"If you gave Big Sis and Summer mental problems, I'm gonna kill you." Soma threatened, holding up his gun with a glare. Bartolomeo held up his hands and backed away.

"Soma." Hitomi chided, and he looked to her. "Quit threatening Barto-san. He's not a bad guy."

New tears filled Bartholomeo's eyes with Hitomi's words. "Wahhhh! Hitomi-sempai! Summer-sempai!" He sputtered some more nonsense and attempted to bury his head in the sand once again, bowing deeply.

"If you keep doing that, you'll run out of air." Summer said, trying to lift his head from the beach. She successfully dug the man out, and he tried composing himself again.

"I have one more thing to ask." He managed to say without crying. Hitomi lifted a brow.

"And what would that be?"

Emotion overcoming him, Bartolomeo began sputtering a long explanation of words, which Soma couldn't understand in the slightest. Summer and Hitomi, however, seemed completely focused on what he was saying. At the end of his ramblings, he clasped his hands together in a begging gesture, and the two women were silent.

Soma, irritated that he wasn't included, gave a sigh. "Well, what did he say? What does he want?"

The ladies ignored him as they pondered Bartolomeo's words. Finally, Summer turned to Hitomi. "Well, what do you think?"

Hitomi silently stared back. A curt nod.

Summer groaned.

Soma crossed his arms, tapping his foot impatiently on the sand. "Hello? Can you hear me?" Finally, the two turned their attention back to him. Both looked rather sullen.

"He asked us to do another interview." Hitomi explained.

"And we said yes." Summer added.

Soma's jaw dropped. "Wait. You can't be serious."

Hitomi disregarded him and went back to relaxing in the sun. Bartolomeo jumped up and ran away screaming with joy, attracting the attention of curious and slightly horrified beach-goers.

Summer lowly chuckled. "Oh, Soma-boy, I wish that we were."

She sighed and relaxed next to Hitomi, muttering to herself. "Happy thoughts, Summer. Happy thoughts."


End file.
